I'm going to tell you about this poem that I am eventually going to write. And it probably won't be very good.

But it's about what happened to me today.

And how I spent nearly close to three hours inside of a Target today.

I had a giftcard for $25 whole buck-a-roo's to spend.

For lack of better understanding, I think I had a small panic attack. Or at least a shit ton of anxiety about spending these $25 buck-a-roo's! I have an idea about why.

The underparts of my eyelashes were a constant tension of wanting to cry and not wanting to cry.

I feared leaving the store empty handed, because I had an ungodly imagination that all the cameras were watching me walk around for nearly three hours without putting a single thing in my basket.

The whole funny thing about this eventual poem is that I ended up going over $25 buck-a-roo's anyway.

So really, what was the big o' fuss about anyhow?

Because I'm anxious about the next couple weeks of my life I have decided that something real bad is going to be happen. And because I have decided that, it will come true. Whether through intention or just an already established fate.

And then I started thinking about Steve Turill. Did I spell his last name right? In anycase, I think about him a lot. Or I guess recently. And I don't just go "Steve. Wonder what the guy is up to?" But I really think about him. Fucking whole days in my mind about how his day went. And he's always wearing that same red plaid shirt. For no reason. Maybe I miss Athens. Maybe I miss him. Maybe I miss somebody like him. He has a cute face. That could probably be it. And then I think about how sometimes I'm not a very good present person. I think it goes back to what I told Dan a couple of weeks ago. I miss people who "get me." Or at least a community where I felt really special.

I'm really sad too.

And I think hearing and reading about other peoples sadness is what has gotten me so down. But I can't blame them. That isn't fair. And I try to be so many things.

I have no idea why I spent three hours in a Target today trying to spend money that was given to me.

-slm