My momma asked me why I didn't fight for it.

I told her that I was sick of fighting. I kind of realize though that's what I do. Probably really only know how to do, because I don't see the point of not fighting. It's too sad that way.

Fighting for happiness. Fighting to actively keep people in my life. Fighting to actively care about people who left my life. I'm mostly talking about ex-boyfriends, almost boyfriends, ex-roommates-- people like that. Fighting the power. Fighting Leah Forman and still coming out of the losing end of that battle. I just fight.

Thusly I cannot be or grow to be open handed about much or anything. It's not my nature. I do not let go. I have lost some things, people too. I'm probably very clingy in that way. I have a sob story. But I've always tried to not let it be an excuse.

I imagine that I am on a boardwalk and that I see my friends who have had troubles at the end of a pier. I see the path that they took to get to edge of that pier. Yet, I myself have never walked to the edge of that pier, so I don't understand them or it. I guess I understand suicide attempts, eating disorders, depressions-- things like that. I see my friends on the end of the pier, I see the path, every plank, but I still don't get how they got their. Thusly I am one of those people who say in their heads, "Why can't you just move on? Be stronger than you are. Fight. Chin up." It goes back to my biggest- hm- secret, flaw, whatever. In that, I want to hurt too. But if I allowed that then I don't really see a point to continue. We persevere. I just got to believe that. I suppose mine just manifests in fighting.

I guess I want to be a true failure. Because the sentence, "You know you're a failure when you can't even get into clown college," just sounds really appealing. It has a story. Perhaps that's what I am. Perhaps I'm really not meant to be in theater even though I fight to stay in it. A sense of self is the greatest thing this craft can demand of you. A sense of self to be a vessel for those who are not strong enough, who don't fight enough to see it within themselves. Or maybe just tonight I am not strong enough. For now, I am not good enough. I don't truly believe I could change their minds. And because I don't believe that, I must believe that I can and therefore, in this next realm I'll work even harder, fighting even more vehemently. I'm sure that it will be for nothing. But I will keep on fighting till June 9th.

This is why it's always hard. It's not that you didn't get a 100% on a test or anything like that. It's that your physical body in space and time isn't what they are looking for. It is unlike any other craft or career. Your vessel for the human condition was passed up.

It's all really beautiful and sad. I'm going to chalk it up to thanking my parents, because I never really made a damn sacrifice in my life. Not a true one anyhow. They really gave me part of my dream. To attend this school. I got a part of my dream and that alone brings me to tears. But I owe it to them right back. I'll come home, get my survival job and keep my room clean.

And we will remember the best years of our life.