I don't think I was really ever on a path.

A lot of good guest artists and performance just fell into place one right after the other. Drew Richardson (Drew the Dramatic Fool), Bill Bowers (Mime), Drew again, and then Sha-Sha Higby. Each of them I took a piece here and piece there. When Dell'Arte happened, it was just kind of like "Well let's see what's down here." Like I was going down a grocery aisle. And I went for it. And I got in. Pair that with the guest artists before, during and after and well it just looked like something fun to do.

Truth be told, I don't think I want to be just a clown. It's really freaking hard. And I know and understand Drew has worked on his many skills for years and years, but his dedication to that art form is just something I don't have yet. I want to be a Neo-Futurist, F-Wordian, solo, stage-combat certified, vulnerable theater artist. Or something like that.

I realize that I don't have the discipline to be a theater artist. It really annoys me that I know Dell'Arte will kick my ass. I don't want it to. But I do. I don't think I'm making sense. I just want to be prepared and I'm not. I think I also have ignored it for a long time, I intentionally shut it out of my mind, but I don't think I am a leader. I think I follow really well. And sometimes I don't take direction well. I want it to be because I don't understand it, but it's really because I don't like it. And that's why when people like me exist in this career field, we create our own work and do our own thing. But now that I don't have OU, F-Word or DS to back up my endeavors-- pretty much a forgiving audience base, I'm really not that great.  And I guess that's scary.

I also kind of believe that I'm not that adventurous. I don't like getting into trouble. At least when it's not on my terms. Like breaking into the Forum Theater to perform F-Word's sex show I'd gladly taken any consequence that might have been dealt out if we got caught. But breaking into the Ridges, hanging in Culver's parking lot after closing hours, seeing if we can sneak into the movie theater, I just don't want to get in trouble anymore. I don't want to feel stupid is the other part. I'm completely confident taking the train and walking within the area of Ogilvie Transportation Center, but I hate getting lost. It's not fun for me, because I get scared and don't want anything bad to happen. Only in Athens would I dance like Adam at Casa. I knew people there that would find it funny. A safety net of people to walk back to after the event. I don't have the confidence to be alone. But I can walk anywhere alone.Because I'd pop in my headphones, walk with purpose, everything was intentional. I was cool.

People think I'm really outgoing. I think I over compensate about how awkward I actually feel. I've asked like three guys out on and off stage in front of the entire cast of DS, because I can stun them with that kind of event and not total strangers. Attention just came to mind.

I just want to be someone that others want to be around, yet not necessary want /to/ be. I think more than just the money part, indiegogo has given me the permission to be held accountable to every.single funder. Because I am at Dell'Arte on their dime and donation.  I really hope that will give me discipline and focus my attention. I'm scared because I'll be shutting off a lot of my habits, desires and fears off in order to succeed. I'm denying myself finding a new relationship out there, junk food, my car, pretty much anything that will not make me work as hard once I get out there. I'm changing my insides so that my outside, I guess, will be just a little brighter. I'm starting tonight. At 10 o'clock I'm going for a run. I don't know how long or how far. I'm headed West, though.

-Sonja